employment opportunity near YOU!!!

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack and YOU
Medium: Text
Security/Encryption: none on the original, high in responses
Warnings: it's jack so it'll probably get awful

---

hey kiddos handsome jack here

which first of all if we're not acquainted, sup. there's a pretty good chance you know who I am since I mean I kind of make a point of that but if not? all you need to know is that I'm (one of) your resident sector managers for the prison intake facility. go do your homework if you don't know who I am. or actually no scratch that go ahead and tell me because if you don't know who I am CLEARLY I need to kick someone's ass. notoriety is the name of the game when you're keeping scumbags in line etc

but as much as I am all for talking about my favorite subject (if you're short a few brain cells and don't get the implication there, it's me) I am actually sending out a general message here for a reason

DO YOU LIKE:

♚ bringing order to the shithole that is westerley
♚ taking bad people off the streets
♚ violence
♚ like seriously if people end up with some serious injuries not my problem
♚ getting paid $$$$$

then you're in luck because I am taking

since SOME of my contacts keep or I'm super needing to refresh my proverbial rolodex here. rac, info brokers, super hot babes, you name it, I'm (probably) looking for it. I shell out for good work so if you think you've got a service to provide make a pitch

serious offers only, do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, etc

or do I don't give a crap it's a boring day and I have time to burn

edited to add some color thanks for the suggestions always open for constructive feedback yall

Comments

text

[deceptions]

if you're hiring the people that keep dying doesn't that speak more to your hiring skills

[refactor]

uh no? that's not how hiring works

I see talent, pay the big joy for it, and then the idiots go and hang around the bureau when it gets blown up??? how could I know they'd be that stupid. or unlucky. whatever

point is their dying is their own damn fault

unless I send them to do something dangerous I guess but then they just suck overall and yeah that one is kinda on me. only kinda though. they should git gud

[deceptions]

you're doing a great job of convincing people they should apply for the job

[ and then, encrypted: ]

what do you mean, "good work"?

text

[graftage]

you know, if you tell people that the job they're going to take could result in them dying, i don't think you'll get a whole lot of responses. just saying! :)

[refactor]

okay so I know this is a general call so I kind of did but at the same time I'm still going to say "no one asked you assface"

so there

also: untrue. if that were the case the rac wouldn't exist at all because those badasses die like all the time

[graftage]

i'm just trying to be helpful, jack!

so basically you're trying to get all the people who aren't courageous enough to be part of the rac? because the people who don't care about dying would already be rac if they wanted to be, you know that.

text

[slotted]

THIS WAS UNEXPECTED
I WAS IMAGINING A MORE FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT IF YOU WANTED SOME PEOPLE TO WORK FOR YOU

[refactor]

oh yeah I mean if it were a super legit company announcement ppppprobably but also those suck? who reads those but desperate people? lame and not what I'm looking for. I like personality in my job postings

also your enthusiasm is appreciated because I'm interpreting the capslock abuse as excited yelling instead of angry yelling

[slotted]

SHOULD HAVE ADDED COLOUR, THEN
AND MY PHONE IS STUCK THIS WAY
IT'S OLD
I'M NOT ENTHUSIASTIC AT ALL

text

[bittybat]

[It's sad that Damian can tick off, like, four things on that list!!]

Couldn't you have put this on an employment board?

[refactor]

sure but who reads those

this way is WAY more likely to get a response. clearly! because here you are, responding

so, you know, thanks for proving my point already kiddo

text

[impulsors]

do they let you keep the money you don't spend on people or something?

[refactor]

nah I'm just rich

[ this probably isn't even true but it sure is his answer ]

text

[ofobedience]

No doubt you'll have them queuing up for the chance, when you phrase it like that.

[refactor]

quality over quantity gio

like I'm no hr guy (that would be hilarious though like can you imagine) but it's all about marketing. I'm gonna get EXACTLY the kinda people I'm hoping for with this ad

voice; because fuck text

[lotusmesenpai]

You're a moron.

[A pause, and then an annoyed sigh.]

Killjoys don't work for you, old man. That's the whole fucking point of being fucking neutral. Take us out of there and saying stupid shit.

and text because he's a contrary asshole...

[refactor]

oh what too cool for text princess? I get it you're totally afraid of getting schooled by my sick prose. trust me cupcake I'm way more charming in every medium voice or audio isn't gonna make a difference

I mean, as a whole nnnnno but if I'm a repeat customer with the same agents over and over again? you kinda work for me a little. just also yknow other people and I'm not gonna trust any of you to have any loyalty.

but if you're getting your panties in a twist over it slash ask really nicely I'll take it out sure

text;

[eleutheron]

Is your need truly so great that you must hire outside forces?

[refactor]

nah not really

but you know what's important in a workplace? diversity. not like the kind of feelings crap kind but the skills kind. company folk we've got a certain way of doing things and that's great but that outside perspective? can be super useful

so I mean I'll use my company people as a preference sure but the rest... ehhh call them consultants

DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT

[teiaiel]

Is this really a worthwhile use of Company resources?

I've attached the following observations to your employee file.

1. Improper use of the Company network. Are you aware that every one of your idiotic statements becomes data that's stored indefinitely on Company servers? The records of entire civilizations have been lost to the inexorable march of time, but *this* lasts forever?
2. Wasting Company time. If you have time to burn, you have time to learn the Employee Handbook. Read it and reflect on your sins.
3. Inappropriate language. Please limit your shitposting to non-business hours.
4. Soliciting unapproved information brokers. They only know what criminals are up to because they're criminals themselves.
5. The unusually high rate of turnover in your department due to death, dismemberment and disappearance. Employees may be a replaceable resource, but that doesn't mean that they're cheap.
6. The phrase "super hot babes" has been flagged as potential sexually harassing language according to the guidelines laid out in the Employee Handbook. You know what else isn't cheap? Lawsuits.
7. The Finance Department has not approved these payments of "$$$$$" that you promise.
8. Incorrect capitalization and punctuation. You actually had to override automatic spell check for this. Are you proud of yourself?
9. Blinking text? Seriously?

happy new year to all my haters etc

[refactor]

haha oh man a bureaucrat I love messing with yall the most. you make it so EASY. because check out my employee file I've got like I don't even know how many reports just like yours sweetheart. I collect them like they're going out of style. because they super are

of course I can draft up a totally soulless version of this for you just so you don't cry about me not dotting all my i's or whatever

text

[cauterised]

Have you actually received any serious replies with this?

[This most impressive and hideous of job solicitations, jesus christ.]

[refactor]

sure have

people doubt my methods for some reason which is friggin stupid because it's not like this is my first rodeo

or eccentric job posting

text

[tropism]

♚ bringing order to the shithole that is westerley
♚ taking bad people off the streets

One or the other. Westies are more interested in being ungovernable.

[refactor]

sure are and that's kinda the problem. like that conflict is why I've got a job level of problem. but you have to have both if you want any hope of this place not being the equivalent of the quad's asshole