employment opportunity near YOU!!!

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack and YOU
Medium: Text
Security/Encryption: none on the original, high in responses
Warnings: it's jack so it'll probably get awful

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hey kiddos handsome jack here

which first of all if we're not acquainted, sup. there's a pretty good chance you know who I am since I mean I kind of make a point of that but if not? all you need to know is that I'm (one of) your resident sector managers for the prison intake facility. go do your homework if you don't know who I am. or actually no scratch that go ahead and tell me because if you don't know who I am CLEARLY I need to kick someone's ass. notoriety is the name of the game when you're keeping scumbags in line etc

but as much as I am all for talking about my favorite subject (if you're short a few brain cells and don't get the implication there, it's me) I am actually sending out a general message here for a reason

DO YOU LIKE:

♚ bringing order to the shithole that is westerley
♚ taking bad people off the streets
♚ violence
♚ like seriously if people end up with some serious injuries not my problem
♚ getting paid $$$$$

then you're in luck because I am taking

since SOME of my contacts keep or I'm super needing to refresh my proverbial rolodex here. rac, info brokers, super hot babes, you name it, I'm (probably) looking for it. I shell out for good work so if you think you've got a service to provide make a pitch

serious offers only, do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, etc

or do I don't give a crap it's a boring day and I have time to burn

edited to add some color thanks for the suggestions always open for constructive feedback yall

Comments

DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT

[teiaiel]

Is this really a worthwhile use of Company resources?

I've attached the following observations to your employee file.

1. Improper use of the Company network. Are you aware that every one of your idiotic statements becomes data that's stored indefinitely on Company servers? The records of entire civilizations have been lost to the inexorable march of time, but *this* lasts forever?
2. Wasting Company time. If you have time to burn, you have time to learn the Employee Handbook. Read it and reflect on your sins.
3. Inappropriate language. Please limit your shitposting to non-business hours.
4. Soliciting unapproved information brokers. They only know what criminals are up to because they're criminals themselves.
5. The unusually high rate of turnover in your department due to death, dismemberment and disappearance. Employees may be a replaceable resource, but that doesn't mean that they're cheap.
6. The phrase "super hot babes" has been flagged as potential sexually harassing language according to the guidelines laid out in the Employee Handbook. You know what else isn't cheap? Lawsuits.
7. The Finance Department has not approved these payments of "$$$$$" that you promise.
8. Incorrect capitalization and punctuation. You actually had to override automatic spell check for this. Are you proud of yourself?
9. Blinking text? Seriously?

happy new year to all my haters etc

[refactor]

haha oh man a bureaucrat I love messing with yall the most. you make it so EASY. because check out my employee file I've got like I don't even know how many reports just like yours sweetheart. I collect them like they're going out of style. because they super are

of course I can draft up a totally soulless version of this for you just so you don't cry about me not dotting all my i's or whatever