employment opportunity near YOU!!!

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack and YOU
Medium: Text
Security/Encryption: none on the original, high in responses
Warnings: it's jack so it'll probably get awful

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hey kiddos handsome jack here

which first of all if we're not acquainted, sup. there's a pretty good chance you know who I am since I mean I kind of make a point of that but if not? all you need to know is that I'm (one of) your resident sector managers for the prison intake facility. go do your homework if you don't know who I am. or actually no scratch that go ahead and tell me because if you don't know who I am CLEARLY I need to kick someone's ass. notoriety is the name of the game when you're keeping scumbags in line etc

but as much as I am all for talking about my favorite subject (if you're short a few brain cells and don't get the implication there, it's me) I am actually sending out a general message here for a reason

DO YOU LIKE:

♚ bringing order to the shithole that is westerley
♚ taking bad people off the streets
♚ violence
♚ like seriously if people end up with some serious injuries not my problem
♚ getting paid $$$$$

then you're in luck because I am taking

since SOME of my contacts keep or I'm super needing to refresh my proverbial rolodex here. rac, info brokers, super hot babes, you name it, I'm (probably) looking for it. I shell out for good work so if you think you've got a service to provide make a pitch

serious offers only, do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, etc

or do I don't give a crap it's a boring day and I have time to burn

edited to add some color thanks for the suggestions always open for constructive feedback yall

Comments

[refactor]

Ha! Glad someone appreciates my artistry! I've got like a friggin' vision, duh.

[ He's basically cackling, though. This is exactly why he gives Kanda such a hard time. He makes it so easy. ]

Hey, just do me a favor and make sure he doesn't cry over it. Or, I dunno, kill someone? Unless they're a scumbag I guess. Then it's cool.

[inksplashes]

If Yu cried over something, it'd probably be someone else getting to kill you first.

[ Stated with absolute cheer and a matter of fact ring all at once, Lavi laughs brightly before the truth of the statement dawns on him.

Ha ha...ha... ]

But I'll try to convince him to save the arts. Think I can get that printed somewhere?

[refactor]

Good thing no one's killing me. Or, y'know, if there ever is a warrant out for me, good to know my fav princess is watching my back!

[ Jack says that so jovially, it might almost sound like he doesn't realize how serious Lavi is... A Mystery. ]

Oh- Oh, that thing? Lavi, I can totally do you one better. Fun facts about me, worked in tech labs before I moved to the Facility. So, I can get you this fancy new tech that's kinda like paper but it will totally animate the thing. It's basically just a really thin screen, but. Cool stuff. And I will print that out for you pronto just to mess with your buddy.

[inksplashes]

You're such an optimist, Jack.

[ More nervous laughter here. Lavi suppose that it's true Kanda would be on the look out for the warrant, but..

Nah, lets him go with his silver-lining interpretation. ]

Oh yeah? Lemme guess, you changed jobs because there were too many dudes and not enough babes.

[ Clearly that's the important part and Jack meets a ton of babes at Prisoner Intake. ]

I mean, he does have a birthday coming up, I feel like that would make a great present. You could put something like, "Love - Handsome Jack" at the bottom just so he knows you were thinking of him.

[ Actually, Lavi has no idea when Kanda's birthday is--neither of them grew up in a familial setting to celebrate--but it's bound to be within the next 365 days, so that's not a lie. ]

[refactor]

Gotta be! You do the kinda work I do, you better be a turbo optimist or you'll get really depressed by seeing the very bottom of humanity every day. Et cetera. Soooo— [ He draws out that word with a laugh in his voice ] Nah. I mean any hot chicks that come through processing, you'd be violating the dude rule of "don't stick your dick in crazy" like, nine times outta ten.

[ And even the one out of ten that isn't crazy (in Jack's book), no thanks. Though Jack deliberately doesn't even mention the transfer or why he took it. That's a secret that he's somewhat guarded over. ]

Oh— Ohhhhhoh, man, that is a great idea! I mean- No, holy crap, throw him a birthday party. I bet— Ha! I bet he's some kinda loser that hates parties!

[inksplashes]

[ He's heard something about that rule before, but it's not one he's particularly had to worry about. (It's easy to bypass that when you're a duty-bound virgin, alas.)

Still, he has to keep up the act, so he echoes Jack's laugh, rubbing anxiously at the back of his neck. ]

The crazy ones are so much more fun, though.

[ He assumes. That said, Lavi has a sense of self-preservation so he's going to quickly retract this birthday planning before Yu actually kills him. ]

Uhh--that's a good idea! But.. also I don't want to die, so maybe let's just stick with the gift?

[refactor]

What, backing out on me now? C'mon...

[ Jack half whines in his tone, but it still comes with a laugh. What's a little pranking if you're not in danger of dying!! Seriously. ]

Look, he likes you, right? So he probably wouldn't kill you.

[inksplashes]

[ Though Jack can’t see it, Lavi has his hands raised, palms open and wide, the universally recognized symbol for “don’t shoot me” on the off chance that Kanda comes back to hear the conversation. ]

He tolerates me and will definitely kill me.

[ He’s not laughing, he’s dead serious, pun intended. ]

Let’s just call the whole thing off, save it for an extra special occasion! Y’know, when I’m not in the Quad anymore. Like that sorta special.

[refactor]

Pffft, and here I was, havin' faith in you for coming through on, uh, the best birthday ever?

[ Jack is definitely still laughing, since that deadly serious tone just makes it all the funnier. He should probably be afraid of Kanda, and he even probably knows that, but. Jack also likes to dance on the razor's edge with a lot of things. ]

But fine, if you're backing out, way less fun. Officially called off, got it.

[inksplashes]

Thank you.

[ Never before has a man sounded so devout in his gratitude before this moment. They will write epics and sonnets about the good of Jack's graces as bestowed on Lavi this day.

A heaved sigh, relief washing over him. His unseen hands lower, no longer needed to guard him (because hands are clearly great at stopping bullets, right?) ]

I should let you go before you try talking me into more bad ideas. Thanks for the laugh though, and I'm sure Yu will...eventually...forgive you!

[ Never before has a man sounded so full of shit. ]