overjoyed_net | employment opportunity near YOU!!!

Entry tags:

employment opportunity near YOU!!!

Who: Handsome Jack and YOU
Medium: Text
Security/Encryption: none on the original, high in responses
Warnings: it's jack so it'll probably get awful

hey kiddos handsome jack here

which first of all if we're not acquainted, sup. there's a pretty good chance you know who I am since I mean I kind of make a point of that but if not? all you need to know is that I'm (one of) your resident sector managers for the prison intake facility. go do your homework if you don't know who I am. or actually no scratch that go ahead and tell me because if you don't know who I am CLEARLY I need to kick someone's ass. notoriety is the name of the game when you're keeping scumbags in line etc

but as much as I am all for talking about my favorite subject (if you're short a few brain cells and don't get the implication there, it's me) I am actually sending out a general message here for a reason

DO YOU LIKE:

♚ bringing order to the shithole that is westerley
♚ taking bad people off the streets
♚ violence
♚ like seriously if people end up with some serious injuries not my problem
♚ getting paid $$$$$

then you're in luck because I am taking RESUMES

since SOME of my contacts keep DISAPPEARING

I'm super needing to refresh my proverbial rolodex here. rac, info brokers, super hot babes, you name it, I'm (probably) looking for it. I shell out for good work so if you think you've got a service to provide make a pitch

serious offers only, do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, etc

or do I don't give a crap it's a boring day and I have time to burn

edited to add some color thanks for the suggestions always open for constructive feedback yall

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if you're hiring the people that keep dying doesn't that speak more to your hiring skills

you know, if you tell people that the job they're going to take could result in them dying, i don't think you'll get a whole lot of responses. just saying! :)

THIS WAS UNEXPECTED
I WAS IMAGINING A MORE FORMAL ANNOUNCEMENT IF YOU WANTED SOME PEOPLE TO WORK FOR YOU

Edited 2017-01-09 00:22 (UTC)

[It's sad that Damian can tick off, like, four things on that list!!]

Couldn't you have put this on an employment board?

do they let you keep the money you don't spend on people or something?

No doubt you'll have them queuing up for the chance, when you phrase it like that.

You're a moron.

[A pause, and then an annoyed sigh.]

Killjoys don't work for you, old man. That's the whole fucking point of being fucking neutral. Take us out of there and saying stupid shit.

Is your need truly so great that you must hire outside forces?

Is this really a worthwhile use of Company resources?

I've attached the following observations to your employee file.

1. Improper use of the Company network. Are you aware that every one of your idiotic statements becomes data that's stored indefinitely on Company servers? The records of entire civilizations have been lost to the inexorable march of time, but *this* lasts forever?
2. Wasting Company time. If you have time to burn, you have time to learn the Employee Handbook. Read it and reflect on your sins.
3. Inappropriate language. Please limit your shitposting to non-business hours.
4. Soliciting unapproved information brokers. They only know what criminals are up to because they're criminals themselves.
5. The unusually high rate of turnover in your department due to death, dismemberment and disappearance. Employees may be a replaceable resource, but that doesn't mean that they're cheap.
6. The phrase "super hot babes" has been flagged as potential sexually harassing language according to the guidelines laid out in the Employee Handbook. You know what else isn't cheap? Lawsuits.
7. The Finance Department has not approved these payments of "$$$$$" that you promise.
8. Incorrect capitalization and punctuation. You actually had to override automatic spell check for this. Are you proud of yourself?
9. Blinking text? Seriously?

Edited 2017-01-09 23:50 (UTC)

Have you actually received any serious replies with this?

[This most impressive and hideous of job solicitations, jesus christ.]

♚ bringing order to the shithole that is westerley
♚ taking bad people off the streets

One or the other. Westies are more interested in being ungovernable.

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