webmd isn't a real doctor

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack + You
When: W8D1
Medium: text
Security/Encryption: light unless specified further in a thread
Warnings: jack is a Lot

---

hey cupcakes, handsome jack here (again)

super wish I could be posting a way more interesting personal ad for hired work but apparently that was "not Company approved" and "unprofessional". which is STUPID because I totally got work out of it just saying but whatever

not actually talking business today more just a general question. because see I am the absolute epitome of health like top tier standard but that hasn't quite been the case lately. kinda thought it was just aftermath from getting sick (which, whoever got me sick, you know who you are--you're an asshole) but not so sure anymore

anyone else been having migraines, nosebleeds, weird dreams, etc? the whole shebang of "don't search this because all the top results are going to say you're dying" kinds of stuff. not that I'm worried but seriously super weird. migraines I can kind of get but bleeding on another damn shirt is the last straw here. also the dreams I guess but those are just weird because I'm not a vivid dreams kind of guy but eh

so yeah do me a favor and let me know if you've been dealing with weird crap lately

man giving this a read this is like the most boring not-quite-email I've ever sent like holy crap what am I someone that wears a TIE

so ending question to spice it up or just keep me entertained while I watch two guys definitely considering whether they're going to stab each other (when did this become less entertaining? SAD) we've got some great new meshwork capabilities in case you haven't noticed so question of the day: top five emojis. bonus points for why. I'm seriously that bored like hey dumbass, just stab psycho mcgee already. cripes

anyways my picks: 💩🍆💸🔫🦄

Comments

text

[lefthandfree]

Shouldn’t you be consulting a doctor about this instead of looking it up through a search engine or asking the general public what it means?

[It’s not like Jack’s short on cash.]

My picks: 😏😫🔞💩✨
Why: self explanatory

[refactor]

I mean MAYBE but see I have to weigh the value of taking time off to do that. if it's something I should be concerned about? sure. if not? I'll invest in some blood-proof shirts whatever

should probably do that anyways honestly

4/5 absolutely but we'll say 4.5 because I have to clarify. is the 🔞 because you hate children. hilarious choice if so

[lefthandfree]

Some doctors go to where they’re needed. You know that right? They can just see you in your office. Problem solved.

Also, soak blood stains in hydrogen peroxide. Easy peasy. [It’s not like he’s had to do this before. No way.]

Kids are...hit and miss. I don’t hate them in general though. I like it cause if I reply with just that, I’m basically calling someone a kid without needing anything else.

[refactor]

yeah try and schedule that one on the company's time and dime and see how it goes. spoiler: not well. they friggin slapped me on the list for making a help wanted ad! but eh whatever same old bureaucratic bullshit as usual

oh yeah don't worry super up on the blood removal tactics. but I mean like those fancy water repelling shirts--no idea if they work on blood though. maybe? now I have to buy one just to see

nice. savage even so I approve and will be stealing this technique. so thanks buddy

text

[ofobedience]

Any stabbings to report, yet?

I like: 🔪 💣🔫👊🏻⚔️

[...he also likes the flowers, but isn't going to admit to that.]

[refactor]

unfortunately not yet but I started a betting pool. your contestants are psycho mcgee and larry "face pizza" lefou. mcgee's got the shiv but face pizza earned his name the old fashioned way if you get my drift. we have a weird amount of cannibals lately. like damn I know the company providing food is worrying but I feel like we skipped a few steps

good choices! all that's missing is like... hell I dunno blood splatter? there should be a blood splatter emoji. wonder who I'd have to talk to about that

also heard that depending on what you're looking at it on the gun is like a toy squirt gun thing which is really lame. petition to not have it do that

[ofobedience]

If I had any joy to contribute, it'd put it on Mr. Lefou. The other guy is too easy. Perhaps we'll get lucky and the cannibal will get creative.

A blood spatter would be much appreciated. It'd allow me to get my point across quickly. Ha ha. Or could be used in conjunction with the gun to signify 'job done'. Not so effective if it shows up as a squirt gun, though.

About your little problem, though-- sure you're not dying?

[Although actually he's interested for more than just mockery's sake.]

[refactor]

nah it's cool it's a hypothetical bet anyways. ACTUALLY betting on prisoners is kind unethical [ and you know handsome jack cares about those ] I'll let you know who the winner is. better not be a stalemate or this will be the more boring stupid fight I've seen in a while

💦 just imagine this is red for now. also don't think about the way it's usually used. not that you would know but I'm not explaining that one either

I mean if I'm dying I'm dying super slowly and inconveniently over anything else so probably not?
I'll still go to a doc eventually buuuut I'm not going right now when I have a fight to oversee etc

text

[graftage]

yeah i've had that kind of stuff happen. thought it was just the remains of that stupid virus from before. are you saying it isn't?

also top five emojis: 🌱😏🔪🙃🌟

[refactor]

maybe. call it a very nonscientific theory. like with all the dickbags that come through intake every day, this place was a breeding ground for that virus. buuuut haven't really seen anyone with these symptoms so no idea. that's why it was weird and why I decided to ask

see I thought the poop emoji would be the most popular because duh it's poop it's funny. but you guys are really stab happy

not disapproving just an observation

[graftage]

maybe it's just a fluke, but more than one person going through these things already rules out coincidence in my opinion. what kind of dreams have you been having?

i think the poop emoji's kind of overrated. but the knife emoji's great! you can use it for pretty much every conversation. 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪 like so

[refactor]

oh you know the usual. sometimes I'm hanging out with some dude out to kill a company guy (which okay subconscious whatever), sometimes I'm on a crazy adventure being a hero, sometimes it's super nsfw and I'm getting choked by a hot chick with a cowboy hat. which are all like okay I guess BUT weird. I don't dream. or don't remember it?? whatever point is that's unusual

see that's where we agree to disagree because the poop emoji is always appropriate for a conversation

like you,. you're a real piece of 💩

un; tsumabiki

[shikomizue]

Migranes can lead to stranger things than dreams.

Here's my list: 🌸🍶🍜🎆🎋 Now tell me something - whats the most interesting dream your pain addled mind has come up with?

[refactor]

that's weirdly cryptic and I don't get your point. migraines just lead to meet hating life? simple

that emoji list is super boring though. not even one knife? you're really breaking the trend here

also you don't want to know because super honestly it's nsfw

[shikomizue]

I mean that migraines can lead to people pursuing desperate options to escape them. Side effects and all. [what youve never gotten blitzed out of your mind to avoid a headache???]

So you'd prefer something more 🔪💣🔥💀🎉 ? You seem like you'd like a party.

Dreams of that nature aren't usually something to complain about. Unless you're waking up to discover a problem you thought you left behind in your school years. [getting that morning wood/dew there?]

[refactor]

sure I guess if you're a friggin idiot. it's just a migraine so unless we're talking like a week of headache or something I'm pretty sure I can just wait [ so... no... ]

yes?? those are way more interesting. and I love parties. they're great. so two for two there

oh trust me I'm not complaining but it's also weird to just start talking about your kinks without prompting. I mean if you super want to know I don't care but that was me being polite. you're welcome!

text.

[unpromising]

🍺🍻🥂🍷🥃

[ that's it. that's the response. ]

[refactor]

they've got meetings for that you know that right

[unpromising]

wine tasting?
those things are always so fancy
not my thing

[kirkwalled]

Haha Jack are you dying? I knew you were lazy.

🐶🐕🍕💰🔪

[refactor]

I'm not dying and don't even think about spreading that as a rumor. I know you

also what does that have to do with lazines????

and I know you love dogs. got it. also technically knew the answer here but we're not arguing over poop emojis again

[kirkwalled]

See, only a dying man would say that. Oh no, Jack's dying. :( What am I going to do without your ugly mug around?

[ She's definitely spreading that rumor. ]

And dead men never do anything, naturally.

[ HAWKE!!! ]

I'll admit the answer was slightly trite but to be fair, I wasn't putting much thought into it. I still don't really get emojis.

[whydogs]

You expose yourself to anything often enough and it becomes less meaningful.

Even the idea of two people stabbing each other.

[refactor]

in theory sure in practice don't think it works like that for illness kinds of stuff? if it did we'd just I don't know marinate in sickness vats for a while and get it all done with at once.

more metaphorical aka stabbing sense though yeah absolutely. SO many people get stabbed here. like duh they just kind of throw every degenerate dishonorable scumbag into the pit so if the company was ever surprised that they'd throw in people that had beef with each other they shouldn't have been

don't think they care though

I don't

[whydogs]

I'm sure they thought it was a good idea at the time.