webmd isn't a real doctor

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack + You
When: W8D1
Medium: text
Security/Encryption: light unless specified further in a thread
Warnings: jack is a Lot

---

hey cupcakes, handsome jack here (again)

super wish I could be posting a way more interesting personal ad for hired work but apparently that was "not Company approved" and "unprofessional". which is STUPID because I totally got work out of it just saying but whatever

not actually talking business today more just a general question. because see I am the absolute epitome of health like top tier standard but that hasn't quite been the case lately. kinda thought it was just aftermath from getting sick (which, whoever got me sick, you know who you are--you're an asshole) but not so sure anymore

anyone else been having migraines, nosebleeds, weird dreams, etc? the whole shebang of "don't search this because all the top results are going to say you're dying" kinds of stuff. not that I'm worried but seriously super weird. migraines I can kind of get but bleeding on another damn shirt is the last straw here. also the dreams I guess but those are just weird because I'm not a vivid dreams kind of guy but eh

so yeah do me a favor and let me know if you've been dealing with weird crap lately

man giving this a read this is like the most boring not-quite-email I've ever sent like holy crap what am I someone that wears a TIE

so ending question to spice it up or just keep me entertained while I watch two guys definitely considering whether they're going to stab each other (when did this become less entertaining? SAD) we've got some great new meshwork capabilities in case you haven't noticed so question of the day: top five emojis. bonus points for why. I'm seriously that bored like hey dumbass, just stab psycho mcgee already. cripes

anyways my picks: 💩🍆💸🔫🦄

Comments

[kirkwalled]

Haha Jack are you dying? I knew you were lazy.

🐶🐕🍕💰🔪

[refactor]

I'm not dying and don't even think about spreading that as a rumor. I know you

also what does that have to do with lazines????

and I know you love dogs. got it. also technically knew the answer here but we're not arguing over poop emojis again

[kirkwalled]

See, only a dying man would say that. Oh no, Jack's dying. :( What am I going to do without your ugly mug around?

[ She's definitely spreading that rumor. ]

And dead men never do anything, naturally.

[ HAWKE!!! ]

I'll admit the answer was slightly trite but to be fair, I wasn't putting much thought into it. I still don't really get emojis.

[refactor]

I'M NOT DYING

and don't tell people I'm dying

I know you

jackass

[kirkwalled]

Aren't we all dying when you really get down to it?

[refactor]

technically but that doesn't mean you can spread rumors about me dying

[kirkwalled]

But it's so much easier to fake your death in the future if everyone assumes you're about to die. You seem like someone who that might be handy for! Technically, I'm doing you a favor.

[refactor]

I'm not ready to fake my death YET cripes

but hey when I am I'll give you a call. or maybe not because that probably defeats the faking your death part but whatever you're cool. I think. don't be a snitch when I fake my death you know what happens to snitches

[kirkwalled]

I'm laying down the GROUNDWORK, Jack. Geez!

And thinking about it, I'd probably be upset if you faked your death and didn't tell me. That's like, Best Friendship 101. Don't be that guy!

[refactor]

fine won't be that guy but also have to ask because it seems like something you'd have to do too. considering how many times you almost get sacrificed to blood gods or whatever etc

would you tell me if you were faking your death because that goes both ways and just want to confirm

[kirkwalled]

I've already done it and it's worked fine plenty of times before. So, I know what I'm doing!

And of course I would. I wouldn't want to deprive you of my presence in the universe. If you don't get up in the morning to my beautiful face, what's the point of living?

[refactor]

great glad to have an expert on my side for when I fake my death

which again just have to stress here is NOT NOW

but uh good to know there. glad we're on that level of friendship. it's also a hilarious level to be on right?? like "if I faked my death I'd tell you" that's a real marker

[kirkwalled]

You have to sow the seeds, Jack.

Well, I mean, you're not boring and it would be a shame not to have you around anymore. That's the most you're getting out of compliments from me today though.

[ She'd miss him and that's weird. One day she will know about all the crazy though and then be fine with bailing. ]

[refactor]

I'll take it and even toss you back a you're not so bad either

I mean none of my OTHER friends would help me fake my death

they suck

[ this is a lie. he has no other friends ]

[kirkwalled]

Probably because you'd take a lot of effort to help fake. Don't you know how obnoxious you are? Making that all disappear without you ruining it would be a lot of work, I bet!

[ She totally believes he has friends. ]

[refactor]

now wait a sec

what has EVER given you any indication I would ruin faking my own death

hawke I think you're forgetting how great I am

it's impossible

[kirkwalled]

I suppose you're alright, but my greatness outweighs yours? So, it negates anything you'd bring to the table. Really, just how undeniably fantastic I am makes it so any accomplishments you see fit to throw my way are mere pebbles.

Thus, if I say your ability to fake your own death is probably going to get ruined by your own big fat mouth -- well, I'd be right! That's simple math, when you think about it.

[ When two huge egos talk about how great they are alone in a forest, does it make a sound? ]

[refactor]

[ It's a good thing this is a text conversation because it hides the fact that Jack actually has a doki over this ]

simple math? come on that's like almost mathematical induction which okay yeah it IS simple but look you don't exactly strike me as the induction type no offense

ergo

my contributions to the table aren't negated because you'd need a scale or something and quantifying greatness is weird. but I would be at the top for sure. top 1% of greatness

[kirkwalled]

[ Stop doing that, Jack. Also, you just ruined her joke by making it actually about math? Fuck off. ]

Ah, I see. I understand now. As it happens, I'd be perfectly happy to induct my fist in your face if you decide to call me stupid again.

And -- I'm not actually going to follow up anything to my threat. I just want to make it quite clear that it's a threat instead! Math isn't my strong suit, but physical violence is. :)

[refactor]

[ STOP ]

yeah super aware of that from the LAST time you punched me in the face which I didn't deserve either

[ I'm not even making up what it was. He did. Just, that's a fact that he deserved it, whatever it was. ]

but fine fine you can be at the top I GUESS and I'm not saying that just because you're threatening to punch me in the face

pffft please as if I would cave under a threat of violence

but you're still only barely at the top so I can totally usurp you any time just saying. if I really put my heart into it

[kirkwalled]

[ JACK'S THE ONE THAT'S GOTTA STOP ]

When you say it like that, perhaps I should preemptively beat the shit out of you? To pay for future transgressions.

And Jack, you've never seen me give actual effort to anything. You don't want me to try now.

[ like two dogs primping in the mirror, distracted by their own reflections ]

[refactor]

that doesn't even make sense. if you beat me up for doing shit wrong ahead of time then how do I even know what pissed you off??

more importantly

total load of crap. I see you struggle all the time

[kirkwalled]

But it makes me feel better. There's something about you spilling copious amounts of blood by my hand that makes me feel tingly all over. Ah, even the thought now has me breathless.

[ These are just normal things people say to their friends as a joke, right?? Right. Hawke sucks. ]

And struggle at what??? If I'm struggling, it's on purpose.

[refactor]

[ okay hawke's struggling is left aside for now for one important question ]>

wait. are you flirting with me? by... threatening to kick my ass?

[ Into It ]

1/3

[kirkwalled]

[ See, time for Hawke's struggle to be hella real because she............ didn't think she was flirting. She's not?? She just likes beating the shit out of people and honestly, Jack's obnoxious enough to find the thought pleasing, even if she thinks of him as a friend.

Anyway, have a series of panicked text messages. ]

I'm not flirting with you.