webmd isn't a real doctor

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack + You
When: W8D1
Medium: text
Security/Encryption: light unless specified further in a thread
Warnings: jack is a Lot

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hey cupcakes, handsome jack here (again)

super wish I could be posting a way more interesting personal ad for hired work but apparently that was "not Company approved" and "unprofessional". which is STUPID because I totally got work out of it just saying but whatever

not actually talking business today more just a general question. because see I am the absolute epitome of health like top tier standard but that hasn't quite been the case lately. kinda thought it was just aftermath from getting sick (which, whoever got me sick, you know who you are--you're an asshole) but not so sure anymore

anyone else been having migraines, nosebleeds, weird dreams, etc? the whole shebang of "don't search this because all the top results are going to say you're dying" kinds of stuff. not that I'm worried but seriously super weird. migraines I can kind of get but bleeding on another damn shirt is the last straw here. also the dreams I guess but those are just weird because I'm not a vivid dreams kind of guy but eh

so yeah do me a favor and let me know if you've been dealing with weird crap lately

man giving this a read this is like the most boring not-quite-email I've ever sent like holy crap what am I someone that wears a TIE

so ending question to spice it up or just keep me entertained while I watch two guys definitely considering whether they're going to stab each other (when did this become less entertaining? SAD) we've got some great new meshwork capabilities in case you haven't noticed so question of the day: top five emojis. bonus points for why. I'm seriously that bored like hey dumbass, just stab psycho mcgee already. cripes

anyways my picks: 💩🍆💸🔫🦄

Comments

text

[ofobedience]

Any stabbings to report, yet?

I like: 🔪 💣🔫👊🏻⚔️

[...he also likes the flowers, but isn't going to admit to that.]

[refactor]

unfortunately not yet but I started a betting pool. your contestants are psycho mcgee and larry "face pizza" lefou. mcgee's got the shiv but face pizza earned his name the old fashioned way if you get my drift. we have a weird amount of cannibals lately. like damn I know the company providing food is worrying but I feel like we skipped a few steps

good choices! all that's missing is like... hell I dunno blood splatter? there should be a blood splatter emoji. wonder who I'd have to talk to about that

also heard that depending on what you're looking at it on the gun is like a toy squirt gun thing which is really lame. petition to not have it do that

[ofobedience]

If I had any joy to contribute, it'd put it on Mr. Lefou. The other guy is too easy. Perhaps we'll get lucky and the cannibal will get creative.

A blood spatter would be much appreciated. It'd allow me to get my point across quickly. Ha ha. Or could be used in conjunction with the gun to signify 'job done'. Not so effective if it shows up as a squirt gun, though.

About your little problem, though-- sure you're not dying?

[Although actually he's interested for more than just mockery's sake.]

[refactor]

nah it's cool it's a hypothetical bet anyways. ACTUALLY betting on prisoners is kind unethical [ and you know handsome jack cares about those ] I'll let you know who the winner is. better not be a stalemate or this will be the more boring stupid fight I've seen in a while

💦 just imagine this is red for now. also don't think about the way it's usually used. not that you would know but I'm not explaining that one either

I mean if I'm dying I'm dying super slowly and inconveniently over anything else so probably not?
I'll still go to a doc eventually buuuut I'm not going right now when I have a fight to oversee etc

[ofobedience]

Oh, yes. Unethical. We can't have that. [Never mind that his whole existence is unethical but hey ho.] And I do hope it's not a stalemate. There's little more tedious than that, unless they both die of course.

Right. It looks like water to me, but whatever you say.

[But now you've got him thinking about it and it's incredibly frustrating to realise that Jack is quite correct-- he has no idea what he could be eluding to. His mind just doesn't work that way, okay.]

Eventually. Perhaps you ought to go sooner rather than later. You never can tell, after all. I do pity you lot sometimes. Death comes to you so easily.

[But yes go to the doctor get checked out and then tell him what they say okay? Okay. Though to be fair just knowing someone else has been experiencing the same symptoms as him comes as something of a relief-- he thought it might be something to do with how he'd been made, perhaps a fault, that he's falling apart and they'd put him down >.>]

[refactor]

I mean if they BOTH die still technically a stalemate but a way funnier one it's true. so long as SOMEONE gets stabbed I'll be happy I guess

yeah that's why you have to use your imagination buddy! just. it's blood. and not anything else. at least if you use it with me I'll get the point

wait wait wait what is that supposed to mean??? death comes to me easily?? unless I'm doling it out in which case yeah abso friggin lutely. also if that's the case ignore the rest

[ofobedience]

Still a stalemate, yes, but at least an entertaining one. Perhaps the better outcome, really. Two birds with one stone and all that.

And yes, all right. Blood it is, then.

As for what I mean, you basics succumb to death so easily. One illness or an appropriately placed stab wound is all it really takes. It must be frustrating to live like that. With all due respect, of course.

[Look, his life is kind of shitty, let him gloat about one of the few things he has better than 'real people'.]

[refactor]

mostly yeah. but if they both die that means I had to do two sets of paperwork instead of one and that's just annoying? so hoping we have a real winner here so I don't have to waste my time. god I need an assistant

oh. yeah. look whatever I've survived PLENTY so pretty resilient. I've even gotten stabbed before. unsurprisingly because look what I'm watching and making bets on here but hey. it's not like I'm going to die any time soon. I mean I'm awesome so no way

[ofobedience]

Surely you're in a position to get one. And once again, I can't say I envy you. Paperwork sounds terribly dull.

Whatever you say, Mr. Marten. But nevertheless, get it checked out quickly, will you? See what a doctor has to say about it.

[And then somehow he'll get the answers from you, rather than having to mention his own issues to anyone else.]

[refactor]

kind of but for SOME reason people don't like being assistants in intake. which is stupid if you ask me because in terms of company jobs on westerley? this one is practically cushy. but yeah what do I know

awww gio! are you worried about me? you're totally worried about me and not being a sarcastic little shit aren't you

[ofobedience]

Whatever could be the reason, I wonder.

And come on, now. I'm probably incapable of anything beside unadulterated honesty. I know you like making robot comparisons.

[refactor]

nah see your chilly robot heart is totally melting. proverbially speaking since that metaphor kind of got mixed up there already but whatever I won't continue with it

point is I'm totally going to read it as not sarcastic so ha

you like me

[ofobedience]

[Ugh. Jack. Why this :{]

Don't get ahead of yourself, now.

[refactor]

no worries bud I'll keep it a secret

you've got a rep to protect I get it

[ofobedience]

If it makes you feel better then by all means, go on telling yourself that.

Seriously though, go to the doctor.

[refactor]

yeah yeah I'll head over first thing after work I guess

there are clinics that are open stupid late probably?? or illegal ones for people that get mcstabbed but can't go to a real doctor which is close enough

anyways you'll be the first to know my perfect bill of health

[ofobedience]

Good. Don't go holding out on me, now.

[He needs the answer, okay. That's all it is.]

[refactor]

me?? hold out on you??
never! come on gio you're my favorite turbo murdermachine

[ they bonded okay. nothing to solidify a friendship like murder ]

[ofobedience]

What an honour.

[well yeah, kinda. why do you have to make everything so complicated :T]

[refactor]

I mean it totally is

like they're not on your level sure but I've got a whole TEAM of murdermachines aka enforcers. managing them is like, my job

so yeah super great compliment

you're welcome

[ofobedience]

[Why are you so infuriating.]

Well, I should think so. I'm a lot more fun than any old Enforcer. That's like comparing a nail bat to a grenade launcher, but hey ho.

Anyway, I ought to be off. I'm not really supposed to be using this thing for casual chats. I don't suppose there's any stabbing developments whilst we've been talking?

[refactor]

this isn't causal! this is completely serious buddy. like.
just call it a workplace interaction because I could potentially be your boss or something so ergo totally fine

but nah no stabbings yet

I'll let you know

[refactor]

[ and as promised, about five minutes later: ]

breaking news: they BOTH got some new flesh wounds

okay new bet who bleeds out first

[ofobedience]

[He doesn't respond at first, decides to leave it at that and focus, instead, on whatever task they have him set to right now.

But when the second message comes up it kindles just enough interest to draw at his attention again.]


I think I'll switch allegiances. Keep things interesting. Let's go with Psycho Mcgee this time.

And I expect they monitor my conversations, of course they're aware of who I'm lent out to at any given time. Or perhaps I'm being paranoid. Ha ha.

[refactor]

oh you are making a GOOD pick gio because he's like

okay this is impossible to describe but it's frickin hilarious. he's flailing around and whining about his kids or something I don't know but the moving around so much? way more blood

I would say rip psycho mcgee but the peace part ehhhhhh

[ He doesn't respond to the paranoia part largely because... he agrees... jack is pretty paranoid himself, so yeah, he feels it ]