webmd isn't a real doctor

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack + You
When: W8D1
Medium: text
Security/Encryption: light unless specified further in a thread
Warnings: jack is a Lot

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hey cupcakes, handsome jack here (again)

super wish I could be posting a way more interesting personal ad for hired work but apparently that was "not Company approved" and "unprofessional". which is STUPID because I totally got work out of it just saying but whatever

not actually talking business today more just a general question. because see I am the absolute epitome of health like top tier standard but that hasn't quite been the case lately. kinda thought it was just aftermath from getting sick (which, whoever got me sick, you know who you are--you're an asshole) but not so sure anymore

anyone else been having migraines, nosebleeds, weird dreams, etc? the whole shebang of "don't search this because all the top results are going to say you're dying" kinds of stuff. not that I'm worried but seriously super weird. migraines I can kind of get but bleeding on another damn shirt is the last straw here. also the dreams I guess but those are just weird because I'm not a vivid dreams kind of guy but eh

so yeah do me a favor and let me know if you've been dealing with weird crap lately

man giving this a read this is like the most boring not-quite-email I've ever sent like holy crap what am I someone that wears a TIE

so ending question to spice it up or just keep me entertained while I watch two guys definitely considering whether they're going to stab each other (when did this become less entertaining? SAD) we've got some great new meshwork capabilities in case you haven't noticed so question of the day: top five emojis. bonus points for why. I'm seriously that bored like hey dumbass, just stab psycho mcgee already. cripes

anyways my picks: 💩🍆💸🔫🦄

Comments

[refactor]

I mean MAYBE but see I have to weigh the value of taking time off to do that. if it's something I should be concerned about? sure. if not? I'll invest in some blood-proof shirts whatever

should probably do that anyways honestly

4/5 absolutely but we'll say 4.5 because I have to clarify. is the 🔞 because you hate children. hilarious choice if so

[lefthandfree]

Some doctors go to where they’re needed. You know that right? They can just see you in your office. Problem solved.

Also, soak blood stains in hydrogen peroxide. Easy peasy. [It’s not like he’s had to do this before. No way.]

Kids are...hit and miss. I don’t hate them in general though. I like it cause if I reply with just that, I’m basically calling someone a kid without needing anything else.

[refactor]

yeah try and schedule that one on the company's time and dime and see how it goes. spoiler: not well. they friggin slapped me on the list for making a help wanted ad! but eh whatever same old bureaucratic bullshit as usual

oh yeah don't worry super up on the blood removal tactics. but I mean like those fancy water repelling shirts--no idea if they work on blood though. maybe? now I have to buy one just to see

nice. savage even so I approve and will be stealing this technique. so thanks buddy

[lefthandfree]

Sounds like they need to take the sticks out their asses.

And. Wouldn’t that just. Make liquids and blood spill onto your pants? I mean. I’d rather have bloody shirts than to have it look like I peed blood. Or peed my pants at all.

Use it on Hawke. She’s a BIG fan.

[refactor]

basically but that's my boss so what can you do

I dunno maybe??? it's not like BOUNCING of your shirt or anything it just doesn't stain. I don't know.
I guess that's a good point but still we're not talking oodles of blood here hopefully and people look at my shirt more than my pants. I assume. I mean I know my ass is great but damn

also no I really don't think she will. sooooo probably will! next time she loses her friggin dog I know exactly how to retaliate

[lefthandfree]

Undermine authority anonymously? [See, this is a joke. Because. They’re both doing shit for Hyperion. Ha.]

They only look at your shirt more than your pants because you don’t have blood on them yet. Get blood on your pants, and trust me, people will be looking.
Hell, it’s probably worse if they see it while trying to admire your ass. Though I guess you should just get blood-proof pants at the same time.

If you’re going to use it like that, probably throw in the dog emoji somewhere too.

[refactor]

sure if I wanted to end up dead which nah kinda a fan of being alive

yeah just getting a whole blood-proof outfit is probably ideal. actually bet some egghead in r&d could prrrrobably hook me up with some kind of hydrophobic spray or whatever?? what if I just got to keep my clothes but without the worry of bloodstains? that would be friggin sweet

I mean maybe but she likes the dog emoji so probably not. whole idea is that I'm making fun of her

[lefthandfree]

People are fans of being alive? Color me surprised.

If you made it properly hydrophobic, that means your sweat isn’t gonna have anywhere to go either though. So. It’d be like wearing a trash bag on your body. But looking classier.

Use the cat emoji then.

[refactor]

now you're just being a pedantic ass. those sprays aren't THAT sensitive it just prevents you from staining your shit. pretty sure. otherwise what's the point

could work. I don't think she likes cat? never asked

[lefthandfree]

Never used one before, so I dunno really. But there are a LOT of pointless inventions, pal. Like bendy straws. Anyway, I don’t mind getting blood on my shirts. Most of them are black or some flavor of red anyway.

Yeah, she’s definitely a dog person. But I imagine that spamming any animal that isn’t a dog would probably drive the point in. Or something like 👶

[refactor]

what bendy straws are LEGIT I don't know what you're talking about. only thing better are the crazy ones that are like so unweildy that they barely even fit in your drink and you're really out of breath by the time you actually get your drink or whatever. best and also hilarious

fair point on the color though. not really a dark colors kind of guy and let me tell you red on yellow is super obvious and that sucks

oh man. a kid would be hilarious because she does not strike me as the uh maternal type. or if she is she'd lose her kid too. forget them at the grocery store etc

[lefthandfree]

You lost me for a second there, but I’m 100% on board with crazy straws. Those are the best. Bendy straws just don’t know if they want to be normal straws or crazy straws. That’s all.

And have you ever tried saying it’s just ketchup? I feel like that could pass, if it’s that mustard yellow you seem to like.

Now that you mention it though, yeah. Uh. Seems likely, as much as I hate to admit it.

[refactor]

fair point. glad we can agree that crazy straws are the legit version

dried ketchup looks different from dried blood. also half of it is appearance and half of it is not wanting to wash blood out of my clothes so that part wouldn't super helpt

why would you hate to admit it when it's just true like it's super obvious

[lefthandfree]

Yeah, but. Fancy artisan ketchup? Aged in oak barrels for optimal flavoring that leaves it darker and more steak sauce colored than usual?

You're right though. Doesn't help with the cleaning part so much. Maybe just hire a good laundering service then. Unless you're broke as hell.

And maybe because I'm actually friends with her and want the best for her, even if she wants a kid somewhere down the line and has no idea how to even hold it.

[refactor]

that sounds super weird so it's probably something qreshi do. ketchup's ketchup. but on the other hand totally would try it and it's probably actually good

anyways

think of the children james

or child in this case

if it gets left at the I don't know laundromat since that's the topic du jour you know who's going to go get it?? me