webmd isn't a real doctor

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack + You
When: W8D1
Medium: text
Security/Encryption: light unless specified further in a thread
Warnings: jack is a Lot

---

hey cupcakes, handsome jack here (again)

super wish I could be posting a way more interesting personal ad for hired work but apparently that was "not Company approved" and "unprofessional". which is STUPID because I totally got work out of it just saying but whatever

not actually talking business today more just a general question. because see I am the absolute epitome of health like top tier standard but that hasn't quite been the case lately. kinda thought it was just aftermath from getting sick (which, whoever got me sick, you know who you are--you're an asshole) but not so sure anymore

anyone else been having migraines, nosebleeds, weird dreams, etc? the whole shebang of "don't search this because all the top results are going to say you're dying" kinds of stuff. not that I'm worried but seriously super weird. migraines I can kind of get but bleeding on another damn shirt is the last straw here. also the dreams I guess but those are just weird because I'm not a vivid dreams kind of guy but eh

so yeah do me a favor and let me know if you've been dealing with weird crap lately

man giving this a read this is like the most boring not-quite-email I've ever sent like holy crap what am I someone that wears a TIE

so ending question to spice it up or just keep me entertained while I watch two guys definitely considering whether they're going to stab each other (when did this become less entertaining? SAD) we've got some great new meshwork capabilities in case you haven't noticed so question of the day: top five emojis. bonus points for why. I'm seriously that bored like hey dumbass, just stab psycho mcgee already. cripes

anyways my picks: 💩🍆💸🔫🦄

Comments

[kirkwalled]

I've already done it and it's worked fine plenty of times before. So, I know what I'm doing!

And of course I would. I wouldn't want to deprive you of my presence in the universe. If you don't get up in the morning to my beautiful face, what's the point of living?

[refactor]

great glad to have an expert on my side for when I fake my death

which again just have to stress here is NOT NOW

but uh good to know there. glad we're on that level of friendship. it's also a hilarious level to be on right?? like "if I faked my death I'd tell you" that's a real marker

[kirkwalled]

You have to sow the seeds, Jack.

Well, I mean, you're not boring and it would be a shame not to have you around anymore. That's the most you're getting out of compliments from me today though.

[ She'd miss him and that's weird. One day she will know about all the crazy though and then be fine with bailing. ]

[refactor]

I'll take it and even toss you back a you're not so bad either

I mean none of my OTHER friends would help me fake my death

they suck

[ this is a lie. he has no other friends ]

[kirkwalled]

Probably because you'd take a lot of effort to help fake. Don't you know how obnoxious you are? Making that all disappear without you ruining it would be a lot of work, I bet!

[ She totally believes he has friends. ]

[refactor]

now wait a sec

what has EVER given you any indication I would ruin faking my own death

hawke I think you're forgetting how great I am

it's impossible

[kirkwalled]

I suppose you're alright, but my greatness outweighs yours? So, it negates anything you'd bring to the table. Really, just how undeniably fantastic I am makes it so any accomplishments you see fit to throw my way are mere pebbles.

Thus, if I say your ability to fake your own death is probably going to get ruined by your own big fat mouth -- well, I'd be right! That's simple math, when you think about it.

[ When two huge egos talk about how great they are alone in a forest, does it make a sound? ]

[refactor]

[ It's a good thing this is a text conversation because it hides the fact that Jack actually has a doki over this ]

simple math? come on that's like almost mathematical induction which okay yeah it IS simple but look you don't exactly strike me as the induction type no offense

ergo

my contributions to the table aren't negated because you'd need a scale or something and quantifying greatness is weird. but I would be at the top for sure. top 1% of greatness

[kirkwalled]

[ Stop doing that, Jack. Also, you just ruined her joke by making it actually about math? Fuck off. ]

Ah, I see. I understand now. As it happens, I'd be perfectly happy to induct my fist in your face if you decide to call me stupid again.

And -- I'm not actually going to follow up anything to my threat. I just want to make it quite clear that it's a threat instead! Math isn't my strong suit, but physical violence is. :)

[refactor]

[ STOP ]

yeah super aware of that from the LAST time you punched me in the face which I didn't deserve either

[ I'm not even making up what it was. He did. Just, that's a fact that he deserved it, whatever it was. ]

but fine fine you can be at the top I GUESS and I'm not saying that just because you're threatening to punch me in the face

pffft please as if I would cave under a threat of violence

but you're still only barely at the top so I can totally usurp you any time just saying. if I really put my heart into it

[kirkwalled]

[ JACK'S THE ONE THAT'S GOTTA STOP ]

When you say it like that, perhaps I should preemptively beat the shit out of you? To pay for future transgressions.

And Jack, you've never seen me give actual effort to anything. You don't want me to try now.

[ like two dogs primping in the mirror, distracted by their own reflections ]

[refactor]

that doesn't even make sense. if you beat me up for doing shit wrong ahead of time then how do I even know what pissed you off??

more importantly

total load of crap. I see you struggle all the time

[kirkwalled]

But it makes me feel better. There's something about you spilling copious amounts of blood by my hand that makes me feel tingly all over. Ah, even the thought now has me breathless.

[ These are just normal things people say to their friends as a joke, right?? Right. Hawke sucks. ]

And struggle at what??? If I'm struggling, it's on purpose.

[refactor]

[ okay hawke's struggling is left aside for now for one important question ]>

wait. are you flirting with me? by... threatening to kick my ass?

[ Into It ]

1/3

[kirkwalled]

[ See, time for Hawke's struggle to be hella real because she............ didn't think she was flirting. She's not?? She just likes beating the shit out of people and honestly, Jack's obnoxious enough to find the thought pleasing, even if she thinks of him as a friend.

Anyway, have a series of panicked text messages. ]

I'm not flirting with you.

2/3

[kirkwalled]

Wait... was I flirting with you?

3/4 oh wait

[kirkwalled]

Oh Maker, if I was flirting with you, I'm terribly sorry! I wasn't really thinking about it that way -- I was solely thinking about just kicking your ass! It's just a thing I do -- "would I fight this person" and usually, yes! I'm pretty sure I'd win against you easily enough because well, look at you. I still like the idea of it though, it seems like it would be satisfying? Probably because you're terribly obnoxious.

4/4

[kirkwalled]

[ BUT SHE'S NOT DONE YET ]

I mean, do I get a sense of pleasure out of it? Yes, of course! There's an adrenaline rush to the fight that I deeply enjoy! But it's nothing like that, no. Well, maybe? But I suppose that's less of a this conversation problem and more of a me problem. It's not healthy, no, but who of us are a bastion of good decisions in a place like this anyway? Certainly not me, not you either. So, maybe it's more of a baseline in comparison.

Nevertheless, if I was flirting with you, which I might have been now and not really noticed, my bad! That was a little unfair of me, wasn't it? Ah, geez.

[refactor]

[ Oh. Bummer. Jack reads the stream of text messages that come in with a little excitement, but no worries. That's almost immediately crushed as Hawke elaborates that no, in fact, she didn't mean it that way at all. Jack absolutely sinks in his chair wherever he is, sulking, but it's fine. Totally fine. He can play it cool. ]

no was totally just confirming because you know. tingly. and whatever. and because don't exactly mind the whole kiss with a fist kind of thing to be super honest so yeah sounded kind of flirty

[ though "don't exactly mind" is an understatement ]

but we can agree this part of the conversation never happened right

[kirkwalled]

[ Hey, at least Hawke feels better! She overexplained her awkwardness to the point it wrapped around to not being awkward. Hell yes. Hawke: 1, Life: 0. Suck it, life. ]

Can we go back to you calling me great?

[refactor]

only if we're calling me great too

[ both of them need to stop ]

[kirkwalled]

[ yep ]

Eh, maybe. I'll have to think about it.

[refactor]

what if I call you great first

which I mean technically already did just saying

[kirkwalled]

Then I'd tell you to do it again, properly this time.

[refactor]

yeah like that right