webmd isn't a real doctor

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack + You
When: W8D1
Medium: text
Security/Encryption: light unless specified further in a thread
Warnings: jack is a Lot

---

hey cupcakes, handsome jack here (again)

super wish I could be posting a way more interesting personal ad for hired work but apparently that was "not Company approved" and "unprofessional". which is STUPID because I totally got work out of it just saying but whatever

not actually talking business today more just a general question. because see I am the absolute epitome of health like top tier standard but that hasn't quite been the case lately. kinda thought it was just aftermath from getting sick (which, whoever got me sick, you know who you are--you're an asshole) but not so sure anymore

anyone else been having migraines, nosebleeds, weird dreams, etc? the whole shebang of "don't search this because all the top results are going to say you're dying" kinds of stuff. not that I'm worried but seriously super weird. migraines I can kind of get but bleeding on another damn shirt is the last straw here. also the dreams I guess but those are just weird because I'm not a vivid dreams kind of guy but eh

so yeah do me a favor and let me know if you've been dealing with weird crap lately

man giving this a read this is like the most boring not-quite-email I've ever sent like holy crap what am I someone that wears a TIE

so ending question to spice it up or just keep me entertained while I watch two guys definitely considering whether they're going to stab each other (when did this become less entertaining? SAD) we've got some great new meshwork capabilities in case you haven't noticed so question of the day: top five emojis. bonus points for why. I'm seriously that bored like hey dumbass, just stab psycho mcgee already. cripes

anyways my picks: 💩🍆💸🔫🦄

Comments

text

[lefthandfree]

Shouldn’t you be consulting a doctor about this instead of looking it up through a search engine or asking the general public what it means?

[It’s not like Jack’s short on cash.]

My picks: 😏😫🔞💩✨
Why: self explanatory

[refactor]

I mean MAYBE but see I have to weigh the value of taking time off to do that. if it's something I should be concerned about? sure. if not? I'll invest in some blood-proof shirts whatever

should probably do that anyways honestly

4/5 absolutely but we'll say 4.5 because I have to clarify. is the 🔞 because you hate children. hilarious choice if so

text

[ofobedience]

Any stabbings to report, yet?

I like: 🔪 💣🔫👊🏻⚔️

[...he also likes the flowers, but isn't going to admit to that.]

text

[graftage]

yeah i've had that kind of stuff happen. thought it was just the remains of that stupid virus from before. are you saying it isn't?

also top five emojis: 🌱😏🔪🙃🌟

[lefthandfree]

Some doctors go to where they’re needed. You know that right? They can just see you in your office. Problem solved.

Also, soak blood stains in hydrogen peroxide. Easy peasy. [It’s not like he’s had to do this before. No way.]

Kids are...hit and miss. I don’t hate them in general though. I like it cause if I reply with just that, I’m basically calling someone a kid without needing anything else.

[refactor]

yeah try and schedule that one on the company's time and dime and see how it goes. spoiler: not well. they friggin slapped me on the list for making a help wanted ad! but eh whatever same old bureaucratic bullshit as usual

oh yeah don't worry super up on the blood removal tactics. but I mean like those fancy water repelling shirts--no idea if they work on blood though. maybe? now I have to buy one just to see

nice. savage even so I approve and will be stealing this technique. so thanks buddy

[refactor]

unfortunately not yet but I started a betting pool. your contestants are psycho mcgee and larry "face pizza" lefou. mcgee's got the shiv but face pizza earned his name the old fashioned way if you get my drift. we have a weird amount of cannibals lately. like damn I know the company providing food is worrying but I feel like we skipped a few steps

good choices! all that's missing is like... hell I dunno blood splatter? there should be a blood splatter emoji. wonder who I'd have to talk to about that

also heard that depending on what you're looking at it on the gun is like a toy squirt gun thing which is really lame. petition to not have it do that

[lefthandfree]

Sounds like they need to take the sticks out their asses.

And. Wouldn’t that just. Make liquids and blood spill onto your pants? I mean. I’d rather have bloody shirts than to have it look like I peed blood. Or peed my pants at all.

Use it on Hawke. She’s a BIG fan.

[refactor]

maybe. call it a very nonscientific theory. like with all the dickbags that come through intake every day, this place was a breeding ground for that virus. buuuut haven't really seen anyone with these symptoms so no idea. that's why it was weird and why I decided to ask

see I thought the poop emoji would be the most popular because duh it's poop it's funny. but you guys are really stab happy

not disapproving just an observation

[ofobedience]

If I had any joy to contribute, it'd put it on Mr. Lefou. The other guy is too easy. Perhaps we'll get lucky and the cannibal will get creative.

A blood spatter would be much appreciated. It'd allow me to get my point across quickly. Ha ha. Or could be used in conjunction with the gun to signify 'job done'. Not so effective if it shows up as a squirt gun, though.

About your little problem, though-- sure you're not dying?

[Although actually he's interested for more than just mockery's sake.]

un; tsumabiki

[shikomizue]

Migranes can lead to stranger things than dreams.

Here's my list: 🌸🍶🍜🎆🎋 Now tell me something - whats the most interesting dream your pain addled mind has come up with?

[refactor]

basically but that's my boss so what can you do

I dunno maybe??? it's not like BOUNCING of your shirt or anything it just doesn't stain. I don't know.
I guess that's a good point but still we're not talking oodles of blood here hopefully and people look at my shirt more than my pants. I assume. I mean I know my ass is great but damn

also no I really don't think she will. sooooo probably will! next time she loses her friggin dog I know exactly how to retaliate

[refactor]

nah it's cool it's a hypothetical bet anyways. ACTUALLY betting on prisoners is kind unethical [ and you know handsome jack cares about those ] I'll let you know who the winner is. better not be a stalemate or this will be the more boring stupid fight I've seen in a while

💦 just imagine this is red for now. also don't think about the way it's usually used. not that you would know but I'm not explaining that one either

I mean if I'm dying I'm dying super slowly and inconveniently over anything else so probably not?
I'll still go to a doc eventually buuuut I'm not going right now when I have a fight to oversee etc

[refactor]

that's weirdly cryptic and I don't get your point. migraines just lead to meet hating life? simple

that emoji list is super boring though. not even one knife? you're really breaking the trend here

also you don't want to know because super honestly it's nsfw

[ofobedience]

Oh, yes. Unethical. We can't have that. [Never mind that his whole existence is unethical but hey ho.] And I do hope it's not a stalemate. There's little more tedious than that, unless they both die of course.

Right. It looks like water to me, but whatever you say.

[But now you've got him thinking about it and it's incredibly frustrating to realise that Jack is quite correct-- he has no idea what he could be eluding to. His mind just doesn't work that way, okay.]

Eventually. Perhaps you ought to go sooner rather than later. You never can tell, after all. I do pity you lot sometimes. Death comes to you so easily.

[But yes go to the doctor get checked out and then tell him what they say okay? Okay. Though to be fair just knowing someone else has been experiencing the same symptoms as him comes as something of a relief-- he thought it might be something to do with how he'd been made, perhaps a fault, that he's falling apart and they'd put him down >.>]

[shikomizue]

I mean that migraines can lead to people pursuing desperate options to escape them. Side effects and all. [what youve never gotten blitzed out of your mind to avoid a headache???]

So you'd prefer something more 🔪💣🔥💀🎉 ? You seem like you'd like a party.

Dreams of that nature aren't usually something to complain about. Unless you're waking up to discover a problem you thought you left behind in your school years. [getting that morning wood/dew there?]

text.

[unpromising]

🍺🍻🥂🍷🥃

[ that's it. that's the response. ]

[refactor]

they've got meetings for that you know that right

[refactor]

I mean if they BOTH die still technically a stalemate but a way funnier one it's true. so long as SOMEONE gets stabbed I'll be happy I guess

yeah that's why you have to use your imagination buddy! just. it's blood. and not anything else. at least if you use it with me I'll get the point

wait wait wait what is that supposed to mean??? death comes to me easily?? unless I'm doling it out in which case yeah abso friggin lutely. also if that's the case ignore the rest

[unpromising]

wine tasting?
those things are always so fancy
not my thing

[ofobedience]

Still a stalemate, yes, but at least an entertaining one. Perhaps the better outcome, really. Two birds with one stone and all that.

And yes, all right. Blood it is, then.

As for what I mean, you basics succumb to death so easily. One illness or an appropriately placed stab wound is all it really takes. It must be frustrating to live like that. With all due respect, of course.

[Look, his life is kind of shitty, let him gloat about one of the few things he has better than 'real people'.]

[kirkwalled]

Haha Jack are you dying? I knew you were lazy.

🐶🐕🍕💰🔪

[refactor]

I'm not dying and don't even think about spreading that as a rumor. I know you

also what does that have to do with lazines????

and I know you love dogs. got it. also technically knew the answer here but we're not arguing over poop emojis again

[whydogs]

You expose yourself to anything often enough and it becomes less meaningful.

Even the idea of two people stabbing each other.

[refactor]

mostly yeah. but if they both die that means I had to do two sets of paperwork instead of one and that's just annoying? so hoping we have a real winner here so I don't have to waste my time. god I need an assistant

oh. yeah. look whatever I've survived PLENTY so pretty resilient. I've even gotten stabbed before. unsurprisingly because look what I'm watching and making bets on here but hey. it's not like I'm going to die any time soon. I mean I'm awesome so no way