webmd isn't a real doctor

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack + You
When: W8D1
Medium: text
Security/Encryption: light unless specified further in a thread
Warnings: jack is a Lot

---

hey cupcakes, handsome jack here (again)

super wish I could be posting a way more interesting personal ad for hired work but apparently that was "not Company approved" and "unprofessional". which is STUPID because I totally got work out of it just saying but whatever

not actually talking business today more just a general question. because see I am the absolute epitome of health like top tier standard but that hasn't quite been the case lately. kinda thought it was just aftermath from getting sick (which, whoever got me sick, you know who you are--you're an asshole) but not so sure anymore

anyone else been having migraines, nosebleeds, weird dreams, etc? the whole shebang of "don't search this because all the top results are going to say you're dying" kinds of stuff. not that I'm worried but seriously super weird. migraines I can kind of get but bleeding on another damn shirt is the last straw here. also the dreams I guess but those are just weird because I'm not a vivid dreams kind of guy but eh

so yeah do me a favor and let me know if you've been dealing with weird crap lately

man giving this a read this is like the most boring not-quite-email I've ever sent like holy crap what am I someone that wears a TIE

so ending question to spice it up or just keep me entertained while I watch two guys definitely considering whether they're going to stab each other (when did this become less entertaining? SAD) we've got some great new meshwork capabilities in case you haven't noticed so question of the day: top five emojis. bonus points for why. I'm seriously that bored like hey dumbass, just stab psycho mcgee already. cripes

anyways my picks: 💩🍆💸🔫🦄

Comments

[unpromising]

i know what you were talkin about, thanks
sometimes i gotta dumb down for people
it's a default thing with me
i'm a functioning alcoholic though
that's something to be proud of!

[ofobedience]

If it makes you feel better then by all means, go on telling yourself that.

Seriously though, go to the doctor.

[refactor]

what bendy straws are LEGIT I don't know what you're talking about. only thing better are the crazy ones that are like so unweildy that they barely even fit in your drink and you're really out of breath by the time you actually get your drink or whatever. best and also hilarious

fair point on the color though. not really a dark colors kind of guy and let me tell you red on yellow is super obvious and that sucks

oh man. a kid would be hilarious because she does not strike me as the uh maternal type. or if she is she'd lose her kid too. forget them at the grocery store etc

[refactor]

yeah yeah I'll head over first thing after work I guess

there are clinics that are open stupid late probably?? or illegal ones for people that get mcstabbed but can't go to a real doctor which is close enough

anyways you'll be the first to know my perfect bill of health

[refactor]

yeah in what universe exactly

functioning drunk is still a drunk pal

[refactor]

technically but that doesn't mean you can spread rumors about me dying

[ofobedience]

Good. Don't go holding out on me, now.

[He needs the answer, okay. That's all it is.]

[kirkwalled]

But it's so much easier to fake your death in the future if everyone assumes you're about to die. You seem like someone who that might be handy for! Technically, I'm doing you a favor.

[refactor]

I'm not ready to fake my death YET cripes

but hey when I am I'll give you a call. or maybe not because that probably defeats the faking your death part but whatever you're cool. I think. don't be a snitch when I fake my death you know what happens to snitches

[kirkwalled]

I'm laying down the GROUNDWORK, Jack. Geez!

And thinking about it, I'd probably be upset if you faked your death and didn't tell me. That's like, Best Friendship 101. Don't be that guy!

[lefthandfree]

You lost me for a second there, but I’m 100% on board with crazy straws. Those are the best. Bendy straws just don’t know if they want to be normal straws or crazy straws. That’s all.

And have you ever tried saying it’s just ketchup? I feel like that could pass, if it’s that mustard yellow you seem to like.

Now that you mention it though, yeah. Uh. Seems likely, as much as I hate to admit it.

[refactor]

fair point. glad we can agree that crazy straws are the legit version

dried ketchup looks different from dried blood. also half of it is appearance and half of it is not wanting to wash blood out of my clothes so that part wouldn't super helpt

why would you hate to admit it when it's just true like it's super obvious

[refactor]

me?? hold out on you??
never! come on gio you're my favorite turbo murdermachine

[ they bonded okay. nothing to solidify a friendship like murder ]

[refactor]

fine won't be that guy but also have to ask because it seems like something you'd have to do too. considering how many times you almost get sacrificed to blood gods or whatever etc

would you tell me if you were faking your death because that goes both ways and just want to confirm

[ofobedience]

What an honour.

[well yeah, kinda. why do you have to make everything so complicated :T]

[kirkwalled]

I've already done it and it's worked fine plenty of times before. So, I know what I'm doing!

And of course I would. I wouldn't want to deprive you of my presence in the universe. If you don't get up in the morning to my beautiful face, what's the point of living?

[refactor]

I mean it totally is

like they're not on your level sure but I've got a whole TEAM of murdermachines aka enforcers. managing them is like, my job

so yeah super great compliment

you're welcome

[refactor]

great glad to have an expert on my side for when I fake my death

which again just have to stress here is NOT NOW

but uh good to know there. glad we're on that level of friendship. it's also a hilarious level to be on right?? like "if I faked my death I'd tell you" that's a real marker

[kirkwalled]

You have to sow the seeds, Jack.

Well, I mean, you're not boring and it would be a shame not to have you around anymore. That's the most you're getting out of compliments from me today though.

[ She'd miss him and that's weird. One day she will know about all the crazy though and then be fine with bailing. ]

[ofobedience]

[Why are you so infuriating.]

Well, I should think so. I'm a lot more fun than any old Enforcer. That's like comparing a nail bat to a grenade launcher, but hey ho.

Anyway, I ought to be off. I'm not really supposed to be using this thing for casual chats. I don't suppose there's any stabbing developments whilst we've been talking?

[refactor]

this isn't causal! this is completely serious buddy. like.
just call it a workplace interaction because I could potentially be your boss or something so ergo totally fine

but nah no stabbings yet

I'll let you know

[refactor]

[ and as promised, about five minutes later: ]

breaking news: they BOTH got some new flesh wounds

okay new bet who bleeds out first

[refactor]

I'll take it and even toss you back a you're not so bad either

I mean none of my OTHER friends would help me fake my death

they suck

[ this is a lie. he has no other friends ]

[kirkwalled]

Probably because you'd take a lot of effort to help fake. Don't you know how obnoxious you are? Making that all disappear without you ruining it would be a lot of work, I bet!

[ She totally believes he has friends. ]

[ofobedience]

[He doesn't respond at first, decides to leave it at that and focus, instead, on whatever task they have him set to right now.

But when the second message comes up it kindles just enough interest to draw at his attention again.]


I think I'll switch allegiances. Keep things interesting. Let's go with Psycho Mcgee this time.

And I expect they monitor my conversations, of course they're aware of who I'm lent out to at any given time. Or perhaps I'm being paranoid. Ha ha.