webmd isn't a real doctor

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack + You
When: W8D1
Medium: text
Security/Encryption: light unless specified further in a thread
Warnings: jack is a Lot

---

hey cupcakes, handsome jack here (again)

super wish I could be posting a way more interesting personal ad for hired work but apparently that was "not Company approved" and "unprofessional". which is STUPID because I totally got work out of it just saying but whatever

not actually talking business today more just a general question. because see I am the absolute epitome of health like top tier standard but that hasn't quite been the case lately. kinda thought it was just aftermath from getting sick (which, whoever got me sick, you know who you are--you're an asshole) but not so sure anymore

anyone else been having migraines, nosebleeds, weird dreams, etc? the whole shebang of "don't search this because all the top results are going to say you're dying" kinds of stuff. not that I'm worried but seriously super weird. migraines I can kind of get but bleeding on another damn shirt is the last straw here. also the dreams I guess but those are just weird because I'm not a vivid dreams kind of guy but eh

so yeah do me a favor and let me know if you've been dealing with weird crap lately

man giving this a read this is like the most boring not-quite-email I've ever sent like holy crap what am I someone that wears a TIE

so ending question to spice it up or just keep me entertained while I watch two guys definitely considering whether they're going to stab each other (when did this become less entertaining? SAD) we've got some great new meshwork capabilities in case you haven't noticed so question of the day: top five emojis. bonus points for why. I'm seriously that bored like hey dumbass, just stab psycho mcgee already. cripes

anyways my picks: 💩🍆💸🔫🦄

Comments

[refactor]

sure I guess if you're a friggin idiot. it's just a migraine so unless we're talking like a week of headache or something I'm pretty sure I can just wait [ so... no... ]

yes?? those are way more interesting. and I love parties. they're great. so two for two there

oh trust me I'm not complaining but it's also weird to just start talking about your kinks without prompting. I mean if you super want to know I don't care but that was me being polite. you're welcome!

[refactor]

in theory sure in practice don't think it works like that for illness kinds of stuff? if it did we'd just I don't know marinate in sickness vats for a while and get it all done with at once.

more metaphorical aka stabbing sense though yeah absolutely. SO many people get stabbed here. like duh they just kind of throw every degenerate dishonorable scumbag into the pit so if the company was ever surprised that they'd throw in people that had beef with each other they shouldn't have been

don't think they care though

I don't

[shikomizue]

Hope it only lasts for a week.

I'd love to see the sort of party you'd throw.

Oh, thank you for your courtesy. [or whatever the hell that was - Takasugi's still amused enough so?] Since you've been so polite, I'll answer your boring question. I don't have migraines or unprompted bleeding, but my dreams have been more vivid. [which isn't saying much, really, he's usually a vivid dreamer]

And less personal. [THIS is the concerning factor, because frankly]

[whydogs]

I'm sure they thought it was a good idea at the time.

[lefthandfree]

Undermine authority anonymously? [See, this is a joke. Because. They’re both doing shit for Hyperion. Ha.]

They only look at your shirt more than your pants because you don’t have blood on them yet. Get blood on your pants, and trust me, people will be looking.
Hell, it’s probably worse if they see it while trying to admire your ass. Though I guess you should just get blood-proof pants at the same time.

If you’re going to use it like that, probably throw in the dog emoji somewhere too.

[ofobedience]

Surely you're in a position to get one. And once again, I can't say I envy you. Paperwork sounds terribly dull.

Whatever you say, Mr. Marten. But nevertheless, get it checked out quickly, will you? See what a doctor has to say about it.

[And then somehow he'll get the answers from you, rather than having to mention his own issues to anyone else.]

[graftage]

maybe it's just a fluke, but more than one person going through these things already rules out coincidence in my opinion. what kind of dreams have you been having?

i think the poop emoji's kind of overrated. but the knife emoji's great! you can use it for pretty much every conversation. 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪 like so

[refactor]

sure if I wanted to end up dead which nah kinda a fan of being alive

yeah just getting a whole blood-proof outfit is probably ideal. actually bet some egghead in r&d could prrrrobably hook me up with some kind of hydrophobic spray or whatever?? what if I just got to keep my clothes but without the worry of bloodstains? that would be friggin sweet

I mean maybe but she likes the dog emoji so probably not. whole idea is that I'm making fun of her

[refactor]

kind of but for SOME reason people don't like being assistants in intake. which is stupid if you ask me because in terms of company jobs on westerley? this one is practically cushy. but yeah what do I know

awww gio! are you worried about me? you're totally worried about me and not being a sarcastic little shit aren't you

[refactor]

oh you know the usual. sometimes I'm hanging out with some dude out to kill a company guy (which okay subconscious whatever), sometimes I'm on a crazy adventure being a hero, sometimes it's super nsfw and I'm getting choked by a hot chick with a cowboy hat. which are all like okay I guess BUT weird. I don't dream. or don't remember it?? whatever point is that's unusual

see that's where we agree to disagree because the poop emoji is always appropriate for a conversation

like you,. you're a real piece of 💩

[refactor]

yeah my parties are GREAT buddy. they have everything. like blackjack and hookers

but enough about my sweet parties that you're totally not invited to anyways

gotta ask what you mean by "less personal" since that's a weird way to put it

[refactor]

nah I'm calling you an alcoholic you friggin moron and you're proving my point here a little with booze on the brain

[refactor]

see I don't know about that but "thinking" isn't real high on their list of priorities

like pretty sure between them they have exactly three brain cells

[lefthandfree]

People are fans of being alive? Color me surprised.

If you made it properly hydrophobic, that means your sweat isn’t gonna have anywhere to go either though. So. It’d be like wearing a trash bag on your body. But looking classier.

Use the cat emoji then.

[ofobedience]

Whatever could be the reason, I wonder.

And come on, now. I'm probably incapable of anything beside unadulterated honesty. I know you like making robot comparisons.

[shikomizue]

Shame.

Typically, we are the center of our own subconsciousness, so we would expect our dreams to either encompass or exclude our 'selves'. We dream of memories, fantasies, that entice us - or visions with little cohesion and less sense which still leave our hearts racing.

Encountering something so distinctly 'other' that it leaves us feeling not our own - that's 'less personal'.

[Way to barely answer the question, Takasugi.]

[refactor]

nah see your chilly robot heart is totally melting. proverbially speaking since that metaphor kind of got mixed up there already but whatever I won't continue with it

point is I'm totally going to read it as not sarcastic so ha

you like me

[ofobedience]

[Ugh. Jack. Why this :{]

Don't get ahead of yourself, now.

[kirkwalled]

See, only a dying man would say that. Oh no, Jack's dying. :( What am I going to do without your ugly mug around?

[ She's definitely spreading that rumor. ]

And dead men never do anything, naturally.

[ HAWKE!!! ]

I'll admit the answer was slightly trite but to be fair, I wasn't putting much thought into it. I still don't really get emojis.

[refactor]

now you're just being a pedantic ass. those sprays aren't THAT sensitive it just prevents you from staining your shit. pretty sure. otherwise what's the point

could work. I don't think she likes cat? never asked

[refactor]

no worries bud I'll keep it a secret

you've got a rep to protect I get it

[refactor]

is that just a pretentious and long-winded to say you're not the main character of your dreams because you could have shortened that a lot buddy

[refactor]

I'M NOT DYING

and don't tell people I'm dying

I know you

jackass

[kirkwalled]

Aren't we all dying when you really get down to it?

[lefthandfree]

Never used one before, so I dunno really. But there are a LOT of pointless inventions, pal. Like bendy straws. Anyway, I don’t mind getting blood on my shirts. Most of them are black or some flavor of red anyway.

Yeah, she’s definitely a dog person. But I imagine that spamming any animal that isn’t a dog would probably drive the point in. Or something like 👶