employment opportunity near YOU!!!

[refactor]

Who: Handsome Jack and YOU
Medium: Text
Security/Encryption: none on the original, high in responses
Warnings: it's jack so it'll probably get awful

---

hey kiddos handsome jack here

which first of all if we're not acquainted, sup. there's a pretty good chance you know who I am since I mean I kind of make a point of that but if not? all you need to know is that I'm (one of) your resident sector managers for the prison intake facility. go do your homework if you don't know who I am. or actually no scratch that go ahead and tell me because if you don't know who I am CLEARLY I need to kick someone's ass. notoriety is the name of the game when you're keeping scumbags in line etc

but as much as I am all for talking about my favorite subject (if you're short a few brain cells and don't get the implication there, it's me) I am actually sending out a general message here for a reason

DO YOU LIKE:

♚ bringing order to the shithole that is westerley
♚ taking bad people off the streets
♚ violence
♚ like seriously if people end up with some serious injuries not my problem
♚ getting paid $$$$$

then you're in luck because I am taking

since SOME of my contacts keep or I'm super needing to refresh my proverbial rolodex here. rac, info brokers, super hot babes, you name it, I'm (probably) looking for it. I shell out for good work so if you think you've got a service to provide make a pitch

serious offers only, do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers, etc

or do I don't give a crap it's a boring day and I have time to burn

edited to add some color thanks for the suggestions always open for constructive feedback yall

Comments

[impulsors]

loyal to what? the people who run qresh and everything around it without having to answer to anyone?

[refactor]

actually I'm great at statistics but I also hate them. it's a complicated relationship #engineerprobs etc

why not both??? like the hideous MAKES it hilarious duh humor 101 kiddo

-

you got it. I like what you got? I can probably pass you some juicy stuff that comes across my desk, just sayin

[refactor]

trust me by the time I'm seriously considering someone? I know all their qualifications. I'm bold but I'm not an idiot kiddo. course I'm not going to share HOW I know the qualifications because that's a secret but

trust me

way ahead of you there

unless you're talking about yourself in which case, whatever. bonus of rac? I give your people a good offer (or the company does, whatever) y'all don't really refuse it. that's the bonus of neutrality at least so far as I'm concerned

[refactor]

loyal to anything honestly

like y'all do the neutrality thing which is cute but it's totally a money-making scheme to max out just who they can get joy from without pissing anyone off

I mean in theory because it still pisses people off but usually isn't the rac that get their asses kicked for it

[refactor]

something like you huh

y'know it really should matter to you. but I can't decide if you're unlucky or lucky for not having to give a shit

[refactor]

nah not really

but you know what's important in a workplace? diversity. not like the kind of feelings crap kind but the skills kind. company folk we've got a certain way of doing things and that's great but that outside perspective? can be super useful

so I mean I'll use my company people as a preference sure but the rest... ehhh call them consultants

[bittybat]

No one is going to do a business transaction with you when you scare them off with your terrible taste in music.

[ofobedience]

That's what I said.

And get back to me if you figure it out, will you? Though I'm curious to know why you think it should matter to me.

[graftage]

if you really wanted a date you should've included that with the advertisement. just put your dating profile out there! i'm sure people want to know what your ideal date is, favorite food, etc. go for it.

aren't like 90% of the population not worth your time though

DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT

[teiaiel]

Is this really a worthwhile use of Company resources?

I've attached the following observations to your employee file.

1. Improper use of the Company network. Are you aware that every one of your idiotic statements becomes data that's stored indefinitely on Company servers? The records of entire civilizations have been lost to the inexorable march of time, but *this* lasts forever?
2. Wasting Company time. If you have time to burn, you have time to learn the Employee Handbook. Read it and reflect on your sins.
3. Inappropriate language. Please limit your shitposting to non-business hours.
4. Soliciting unapproved information brokers. They only know what criminals are up to because they're criminals themselves.
5. The unusually high rate of turnover in your department due to death, dismemberment and disappearance. Employees may be a replaceable resource, but that doesn't mean that they're cheap.
6. The phrase "super hot babes" has been flagged as potential sexually harassing language according to the guidelines laid out in the Employee Handbook. You know what else isn't cheap? Lawsuits.
7. The Finance Department has not approved these payments of "$$$$$" that you promise.
8. Incorrect capitalization and punctuation. You actually had to override automatic spell check for this. Are you proud of yourself?
9. Blinking text? Seriously?

[refactor]

okay to be honest did consider it but figured it might send mixed messages... or just not the right one? look I'm not explaining this one any further if I DO find a hookup you are not ruining this for me kiddo

yeah so

[refactor]

hahaha holy crap are you still mad

wait wait

u mad

(that's a meme kiddo)

[refactor]

is "it's interesting" a good enough answer?

happy new year to all my haters etc

[refactor]

haha oh man a bureaucrat I love messing with yall the most. you make it so EASY. because check out my employee file I've got like I don't even know how many reports just like yours sweetheart. I collect them like they're going out of style. because they super are

of course I can draft up a totally soulless version of this for you just so you don't cry about me not dotting all my i's or whatever

[ofobedience]

It's not much of one, though I suppose it's as good an answer as any. I suspect you and I have fairly divergent ideas on what constitutes 'interesting', however.

[deceptions]

the glitter text basically absorbs any kind of humor the post had, it's a desert wasteland.

the blue's nice, though.

—

i'll see if i come across anything.

[graftage]

you make it sound like i'll somehow barge into the room when you're just about to seal the deal with someone. i'm good at annoying you, but not THAT good. you're giving me way too much credit!

[impulsors]

so they're neutral. sounds a lot better than buying into a cause that doesn't need help.

[slotted]

IT ISN'T BUT IT'S SOMETHING PEOPLE DON'T USUALLY TALK ABOUT

text

[cauterised]

Have you actually received any serious replies with this?

[This most impressive and hideous of job solicitations, jesus christ.]

[bittybat]

[END HIS SUFFERING NOW PLEASE]

No one cares about your stupid memes! You'll never get respectable, reasonable inquires when you act like an idiot. No one is going to take your seriously.

[refactor]

what??? no the glitter text is the center of humor

your sense of humor just sucks

-

glad to hear it. I don't tend to put specific requests out there unless it's something super relevant to my interests like kicking some true leithian ass but. you see something interesting? send it my way.

[refactor]

look I'm just saying given the opportunity I'm at least 99% sure you would because you're a dick

[refactor]

CITATION NEEDED

BECAUSE LOOK BEFORE THE SECTOR MANAGER THING I WAS AN ENGINEER AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS IS A POPULAR POINT OF CONVERSATION

LESS IN THE MANAGERIAL HALF BUT THOSE CONVERSATION TOPICS ARE WAY WORSE

[refactor]

yeah says you grandpa

what if I told you I already have interested parties

who am I kidding you wouldn't believe me but sub-point: who said I WANTED respectable or reasonable